Bowel movement irregularity

I was telling my good ol’ friend Robb the other day that I was working on a sketch about my bowel movements, which lead to the comment “when am I not talking about my bowel movements.”  The answer is simple: never.  The thing is on the surface it may seem like its all about my excrement.  All about my poop.  How much. How often. If its normal.  And it never is.  But if you think its only about my fecal matter, that’s merely because you aren’t looking deep enough.  My tales of deuces dropped past are allegories for many things, such as the life and death of the Samurai warrior class in pre-industrial Japan and the Ottoman Empire’s role in the shaping of feminism in modern Turkey.  Therefore, next time I ask you “how often does the normal person defecate” think long and hard.  What am I really asking? Really.

The sketch below came from a conversation several weeks ago when I was pretty certain I was not in the realm of regular.  I decided to sketch what it would look like if I entered a contest for bowel movement regularity.  The flannel-clad lady on the right climbing a pile of feces is me.  Smiles.

Enjoy!

Read Full Post »

Mom I’m pregnant. With a centaur.

More people around me these days are talking about having kids.  Marriage is a hot topic and popping out babies is second in command.  But who is talking about what would happen if you turkey basted semen out of the bulk supply in your friend’s refrigerator and later found out it was horse jizz?  Really folks, why aren’t more people having THIS conversation?

That conversation became the inspiration for today’s piece, later realizing that some things are better kept as mental images.

Side note: now you can click on the images for a larger version! Not sure if that is a good thing…

Read Full Post »

I got it from my mama

I have recently found an intimate connection with will.i.am’s “I got it from my mama,” the hit single on his 2007 album “Songs About Girls.”  About me? I’m a girl! Maybe that explains the connection. Or I forgot to release the “mute” button.  Either way, a brilliant lyricist and inspiration to us all, will.i.am’s tune asks, “baby, where’d you get that body from? Tell me, where’d you get that body from?”  Its a bit more complex than will.i.am makes it out to be and I can only blame a poorly funded primary and secondary public education system in Brazil for spitting out generations of beach babes who think they were delivered via storkes.  Nonetheless, it makes for catchy song: far more important than accuracy of information.  Even I thought about throwing on a bikini and dancing on the beach called my rooftop in Jersey City.  Hot. And smoggy.

I wanted to take the song deeper, if thats at all possible, by reflecting on my physical features, talents, and personality traits that are in the likes of my mama.  We are both tall.  We both like antiques.  We write in a similar fashion.  And then I had it. I know what it is. What all the guys were asking me in Toledo during high school with my awkward smile, my out of proportion flannel-wearing body and my mad Risk and Magic the Gathering skillz.  The one thing, among many, that made them think “oh, maybe at our fifteen-year reunion I’ll ask her out if I’m not already married. Please god be married by then.”

Any producer who wants it, its yours.  I won’t even collect royalties on it.  Just doing it for the people, out of the goodness of my heart.

Read Full Post »